- Day 10 of 30-Day Retreat : Leo shares his journey over the past 10 days, taking six deep psychedelic trips with five Meo DMT and engaging in meditation and self-inquiry. The trips increased in depth sequentially, revealing layers of consciousness and facets of existence.
- Transcendent Experiences : The trips brought forth profound insights, with each experience becoming deeper than the last, challenging his prior conceptions and revealing a more human-like aspect of God-an intelligence and personality that he identified with his own.
- Everything as Consciousness : Leo had the epiphany that all physical matter, including everyday objects like tables and pens, is comprised entirely of consciousness. This recognition transformed his perception of reality, understanding the physical world as an illusion of rigid consciousness.
- Challenges of Traditional Spiritual Practices : He questions traditional meditation and spiritual practices' effectiveness compared to psychedelic insights, suggesting that such experiences may offer a depth unattainable through conventional methods.
- The Substance of the Universe : Leo's realizations about the fabric of the universe underscore that consciousness, rather than matter, is the core substance, encompassing stars, the moon, empty space, and the brain-highlighting the non-dual nature of reality.
- God and Personal Existence : A significant revelation during his trips was the recognition of himself as God, embodying both formless omnipresence and personal existence simultaneously. This dual aspect brought a sense of personal involvement in designing every detail of life.
- Universal Intelligence : He explores the idea that intelligence is not confined to humans or brains but is an inherent, formless feature of the universe, present in every aspect and entity, a level of intelligence so vast it seems beyond human capacity to fully comprehend.
- Solipsism and the Feeling of Being Alone : The profound realizations about non-duality led Leo to a solipsistic perception of reality, where he felt as the only existence, a bold and somewhat unsettling insight.
- Introducing a New Substance : Experimentation with a new psychedelic substance brought insights that consolidated previous experiences into an intense state of non-duality, described as the absolute Godhead.
- Challenges with Meditation and Seeking Sahaja Samadhi : Leo discusses the difficulties in his meditation practice and his pursuit of a permanent state of non-dual awareness, noting the challenge of remaining focused on the present moment and the work still needed.
- Coping with Intellectual and Career Implications : Confronts the existential crisis that arises when his intellectual and professional identity begins to conflict with the profound insights gained during the retreat.
- Commitment and Future Plans : Despite the temptation of distractions, Leo commits to concentrating on the practice of presence and plans to reduce or eliminate psychedelic tripping, emphasizing the importance of discipline and presence in the pursuit of deeper understanding.
- Self-Design and Strange Loops : Leo experienced a perception that he himself designed every detail of his existence, from the molecular to the macroscopic, only to forget this design. His insight suggested that life's apparent imperfections are consciously architected by an intelligence greater than can be fathomed.
- Infinite Intelligence in Nature : He reflected on profound intelligence within the natural world, positing that a blade of grass contains more intelligence than the human body. Intelligence, according to Leo, is not the property of individuals but an intrinsic aspect of the universe, formless and omnipresent.
- Solipsism and Existential Loneliness : Leo grappled with deep solipsism, feeling like the sole architect of reality including other beings, leading to a profound sense of aloneness and existential boredom, challenging his sense of reality and testing his sanity.
- Potential of the Unknown Substance : Leo experimented with a powerful new psychedelic substance leading to a state of deep non-duality, culminating in the experience of the 'absolute Godhead'-a singularity where all distinction collapses.
- Extreme States of Consciousness : The intense experience on the new substance made it difficult to retain or translate insights, with heavy mental and physical tolls, leading to his resolution of not seeking such deep states again, as the profundity of the experience had no practical utility for his current life.
- Meditative Difficulties : Alongside psychedelic voyages, Leo faced intense boredom and struggled to settle his mind during meditation, which he contrasted with previous retreat experiences.
- Desire for Sahaja Samadhi and Discipline : Frustration arises as the goal of permanent non-dual awareness seems distant, recognizing the need for extreme discipline to continue his pursuit in the face of overwhelming mental and emotional challenges.
- Psychedelic Insights and Sahaja Samadhi : Leo explores profound insights through psychedelic trips but struggles to maintain their revelations; he aims for Sahaja Samadhi-a permanent non-dual state-yet acknowledges the difficulty in achieving it without continuous effort in presence and mindfulness.
- Discipline and Commitment : He faces the challenge of extreme discipline required for his practice and often feels a pull towards distraction, yet he demonstrates a strong commitment by limiting note-taking and reducing trips to focus on presence.
- Doubt and Determination : Despite moments of doubt and grappling with the potential futility of his efforts within the 30-day deadline, Leo expresses a strong desire to push through the struggle and suffering to reach his spiritual goals.
- Impact on Intellectual Identity : The retreat's profound experiences provoke a crisis for Leo, threatening his intellectual identity and leaving him questioning his future ability to teach, given that the insights gained might transcend traditional intellectual and conceptual frameworks.